MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
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yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm