Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
You Might Also Like
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.