I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
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Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”