First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
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Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
respect
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave