SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
You Might Also Like
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
When I laugh on my period
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.