My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
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[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.