my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
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My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks