I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
You Might Also Like
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”