The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
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Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
I think my mom just blocked me
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward