2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
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I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”