Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
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Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.