After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
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A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.