*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
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I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.