ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
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A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
How it started How it’s going
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…