If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
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Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.