Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
You Might Also Like
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille