Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
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*pronounces carrot like tarot*
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
when dads have a rap battle
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?