Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
You Might Also Like
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
📽️movie date🎞️
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
all bases covered
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……