guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
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My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader鈥檚 constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyonc茅 “
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
馃幎 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 馃幎
Being single is starting wear on me. I鈥檝e stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I鈥檓 sleeping next to a man.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it鈥檚 9 AM.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.