(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
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Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.