Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
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i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
happy friday
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y