Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
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Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group