The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
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“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…