Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
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My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free