[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
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Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.