[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
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Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
That 👊
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?