Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
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[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Bit chilly again tonight.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.