Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
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Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Awwwww shit.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.