I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
You Might Also Like
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Nose
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.