God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
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Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
ok like just. call me at this point
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Trains are just sideway elevators.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”