[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
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Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
WHO DID THIS?
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”