When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
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Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.