Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
You Might Also Like
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Why I divorced her.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.