Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
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And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
I’m tired tomorrow.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
I falcon love using swear birds
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