Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
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My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Sign of the day..
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”