Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
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Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy