People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
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Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine