“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
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Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!