Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
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me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.