30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
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Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no