I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
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“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
They’re the worst 😩
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Autocorrect completely socks
Wake me when AI does housework
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Spring of Deception
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?