I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
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Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.