If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
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It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan