“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
You Might Also Like
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT