Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
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My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Siri: Retweet me.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
How to draw a duck
HOW DARE YOU
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.