“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
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[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.