I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
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Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.