Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
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It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair