Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
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If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good