I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
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The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Kids, do not try this at home!
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
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When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them